When I started my topping journey it was with difficulty. I did it as a favor for a few friends, or guys who looked lonely, at parties or at Paddles NYC. It never felt quite right, and I always felt they would see right through my “phoniness.” With one friend, a male switch who was trying to help me learn to top, I couldn’t stop giggling.
I eventually got over the giggling phase and began to feel comfortable causing pain to men who asked me for it. I’ve always played hard, and I’ve used a LOT of what has pushed my buttons as a bottom in my own topping scenes. But I kept wondering if I was “just” a service domme, just doing it because it was what would please someone else … vs. pleasing myself.
I’ve moved deeper into things. I do feel, more and more, a thrill within me to be able to control a scene, the knowledge that if I ask a sub to do something he will, if I ask a sub to take what I’m about to give him he probably will. I guess I like being a little kind/cruel. I never get to far away from “me,” usually a pretty nice person — even during part of most scenes.
But I relish the thought of a sub being bratty and disobedient just to give me an excuse to punish him, or a sub not listening and causing me to have to give him extra strokes … you know the deal. I watch the suffering of the sub and I get pleasure out of it. I want to see how much he can take.