My inner sadist …

When I started my topping journey it was with difficulty. I did it as a favor for a few friends, or guys who looked lonely, at parties or at Paddles NYC. It never felt quite right, and I always felt they would see right through my “phoniness.” With one friend, a male switch who was trying to help me learn to top, I couldn’t stop giggling.

I eventually got over the giggling phase and began to feel comfortable causing pain to men who asked me for it. I’ve always played hard, and I’ve used a LOT of what has pushed my buttons as a bottom in my own topping scenes. But I kept wondering if I was “just” a service domme, just doing it because it was what would please someone else … vs. pleasing myself.

I’ve moved deeper into things. I do feel, more and more, a thrill within me to be able to control a scene, the knowledge that if I ask a sub to do something he will, if I ask a sub to take what I’m about to give him he probably will. I guess I like being a little kind/cruel. I never get to far away from “me,” usually a pretty nice person — even during part of most scenes.

But I relish the thought of a sub being bratty and disobedient just to give me an excuse to punish him, or a sub not listening and causing me to have to give him extra strokes … you know the deal. I watch the suffering of the sub and I get pleasure out of it. I want to see how much he can take.


  1. otk_spanko

    Well, by the time that you first got a hold of me (at a Sinny’s SubSpace party in October, 2007 , which was also my very first spanking party, period!) you had definitely honed your toppy side. There was no nervous laughter, and no tentativeness in your approach. It was clear to me from that first time that we played that you enjoyed dishing it out, and although you were definitely tuned in to what I might enjoy, I never got the sense that you were in any way being a “service top,” and you most certainly were in charge of the spanking session from beginning to end.

    Your comment about utilizing what has pushed your buttons as a bottom in your own topping scenes resonated with me, as did your observation that when you top, you never get too far from “you,” usually a pretty nice person. I enjoy bottoming to you so much in part because it is clear that you are being your true self, and in part because you seem to get as much pleasure from being strict with me as I get from being made to TAKE IT from you.


  2. I feel like I haven”t seen you in ages! Isn’t there a party this Saturday? Let’s “catch up.”

  3. otk_spanko

    Yes, there is an MSA party this weekend, and I will definitely be there, so if you will be there as well, we can “catch up!”

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