“You need a good spanking, Young Man!”

My husband Rad and I were having a talk last night about ways some tops and doms address bottoms, and how the bottoms or subs may take it. In spanking forums or chat rooms, women who are bottoms often bristle at tops they don’t know who are suddenly acting as if they are in charge. Terms will be bandied about like “Young lady,” or worse, “Little lady.” And if some minor “offense” happens, a top will jump in and threaten a punishment. A bottom in a chat room may use a curse word, or say that she is past her bedtime.

For me, a male top who threatens to punish a woman for these things — if he does not know her OR if he knows her but has never played with her — comes across as desperate. When I switch, if I connect with a top, I love when he calls me “young lady” or “bad girl.” If I’m in a relationship with him and we have a standing bedtime “rule,” then threatening to spank me in a chat room when I’m past that bedtime would be “appropriate.”

Otherwise, if there is no connection or chemistry, these terms and threats don’t do anything for me, and I can find them annoying and condescending.

I did wonder out loud, during our conversation, if I were guilty of the same thing. I often use terms like “bad boy” or “young man” when instant messaging or when emailing with new, potential bottoms.

When I’m in a session, after using one implement and before reaching for another, I may rub the bottom’s back or shoulders for a second or two. I’ll say, “Good boy” (for accepting that phase of his punishment).

Is this a turn-off; does it seem condescending — or do most male bottoms like it? I really consider it all role-play. I don’t believe I’m above anyone else; I am just assuming an authoritative role for a brief period. Even if someone tells me that he needs a punishment for a real-life offense, I’m still in a role. My punishment really has little to do with the actual behavior.

For instance, if someone admitted that he drove drunk, sure, I’d probably consider that worth a long, very painful paddling.

But he faces REAL consequences in the real world if he continues the behavior and, paddling or not, I can’t control that. I’m not in charge; he’s not really a “bad boy” or a “young man,” he’s an adult and it’s up to him to behave right.



  1. I’m a male Top, not a Bottom, but I will hazard a guess that a woman (Top) who early on assumes a take-charge attitude with a man (Sub) is much less problematic than a man (Top) doing the same thing with a woman (Sub). The reason is that there are subtle differences between male and female psychology even when they assume the same role (Top or Bottom). Women are generally more discriminating in selecting a play-partner than men are (for the same evolutionary reason they are when selecting a mate). Also, the safety factor enters in here: women must quickly screen out any males who show the slightest sign of being potentially dangerous (like an aggressive gesture before she really knows him), whereas men are at much less risk from crazy women and can charge on ahead with much greater safety. In short, I would be surprised if you have ever turned off a (male) potential playmate by calling him “young man” or “bad boy” – you probably just got his juices flowing all the faster!

  2. loretta

    MMMM, well, i’m not in chatrooms, so i can’t comment on protocal, however, if i’m at a party, or event and a Dom, or Top, comments that I need to be punished, it gives me a little tingle, doesn’t mean i’m going to play with him, but it in no way offends me, after all that is a Dom or Top, they are suppose to be assertive, and domineering, would you want your top, of dom to be otherwise? A Dom,/Top, is suppose to take charge, You never read a story where the slave traitor asked the young girl to submit to her master, it just doesn’t work that way. To me there is nothing better than a man who knows how to take charge without having to actually be physical. So I guess what i’m saying is that I would not be taking offense to a top jumping in during a chat room conversation, that is their nature, they can’t help themselves, and that is just how it should be.
    just my opinion,

  3. Hoppy

    At my age, I’m happy if anyone calls me “young man!” Seriously, I have no problem being referred to as a bad boy, good boy, or anything along those lines; I don’t feel you’re being condecending at all. Role-play or just building rapport, I understand and enjoy it. That said, I am now tempted to have a couple of drinks and go for a drive….

  4. Mike

    Good food for thought, and surely it’s an individual thing. You need to suss this out, or just ask enough “off line” questions before starting the play.

    I’m not a slave, and I don’t like being referred to as one. But I always involve role-play in my spanking sessions even if it’s just to set the scene. Most of the situations I put myself into are ones from adult life. I don’t mind being told “Since you acted like a child, I’m going to punish you like one” but I don’t enjoy being put into the role of that child.

    I don’t do chatrooms, but occasionally in a forum or e-mail, I’ve addressed a top as “young lady” but it’s clear that it’s in a humorous context, not that I’m trying to insult, belittle, or take control of her.

  5. Jean-Paul

    You can call me a bad boy anytime….lol

    But I know you and I get chills when you call me that..Of course being a male…it’s a bit
    different for me than it is for females being
    called that from male Doms that don’t know them..I don’t mind female Dommes that I don’t know….putting me in my place…although I may not play with them..the banter is fun..


  6. James Charles

    I absolutely love hearing you call me a bad little boy while you ‘administer your corrections’ when I am ‘where I belong’! It sets the tone for the entire scene. JC

  7. Steven Hart

    As a switch, I have come to understand that we all parent each other especially in BDSM. I think if you are a man who needs and wants a spanking, being called a “bad boy” by a woman sets the tone. She is going to be firm. The spanking may be very painful. But the attitude is one of caring concern mixed with a desire to create some constructive embarrassment. Many of us need to be spanked to put things in perspective. Being reduced from our puffed up mental state helps that. Besides, “bad boy” and “young man” carry with them the sign of traditional female authority. Here is a woman you are used to being in charge of you. It’s a logical prelude to scolding for your own good before and during the spanking. Afterwards you hope to be forgiven.

  8. steven

    A big part of BDSM and especially spanking is a special version of adult parenting. We all do that for friends and family to offer help and guidance. I don’t want to pretend to be a child, but I definitely behave like one some times, and don’t we all? Given that, I think it makes things extra clear when I am told I am a ‘bad boy,’ because I have been. I want absolute, definite female authority to blister my bottom when i am bad, and it is easier for me when tells me, “You are going to get a good spanking, Young Man, that you won’t forget anytime soon.” If she with soft complete conviction, that really gets my head in the right place to learn my lesson. I have cause to be scared now because this is going to be painful discipline and I am going to be sore and sorry as a result. Best of all it clearly establishes her absolute dominance over me. I think that is essential when spankings are “real” and intended to improve behavior. As her bad boy, you thus start to submit to the pain of the discipline you are going to get even before your pants come down. Anticipation focuses the mind.

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