My husband Rad and I were having a talk last night about ways some tops and doms address bottoms, and how the bottoms or subs may take it. In spanking forums or chat rooms, women who are bottoms often bristle at tops they don’t know who are suddenly acting as if they are in charge. Terms will be bandied about like “Young lady,” or worse, “Little lady.” And if some minor “offense” happens, a top will jump in and threaten a punishment. A bottom in a chat room may use a curse word, or say that she is past her bedtime.
For me, a male top who threatens to punish a woman for these things — if he does not know her OR if he knows her but has never played with her — comes across as desperate. When I switch, if I connect with a top, I love when he calls me “young lady” or “bad girl.” If I’m in a relationship with him and we have a standing bedtime “rule,” then threatening to spank me in a chat room when I’m past that bedtime would be “appropriate.”
Otherwise, if there is no connection or chemistry, these terms and threats don’t do anything for me, and I can find them annoying and condescending.
I did wonder out loud, during our conversation, if I were guilty of the same thing. I often use terms like “bad boy” or “young man” when instant messaging or when emailing with new, potential bottoms.
When I’m in a session, after using one implement and before reaching for another, I may rub the bottom’s back or shoulders for a second or two. I’ll say, “Good boy” (for accepting that phase of his punishment).
Is this a turn-off; does it seem condescending — or do most male bottoms like it? I really consider it all role-play. I don’t believe I’m above anyone else; I am just assuming an authoritative role for a brief period. Even if someone tells me that he needs a punishment for a real-life offense, I’m still in a role. My punishment really has little to do with the actual behavior.
For instance, if someone admitted that he drove drunk, sure, I’d probably consider that worth a long, very painful paddling.
But he faces REAL consequences in the real world if he continues the behavior and, paddling or not, I can’t control that. I’m not in charge; he’s not really a “bad boy” or a “young man,” he’s an adult and it’s up to him to behave right.