Sad subbies are sad

I have had multiple variations of the following questions over the last few years, because I’m active in the scene, I’m a fairly nice person, and I know people. So people (usually guys … usually subbie guys) email me or message me and ask: “If I go to the ________ party, will I fit in? Will I get to play?”

My first instinct is to say, “How do I know? Do I look like a freakin’ psychic?” but of course I curb that reaction and start the pep talk. WHY I feel the need to give a pep talk to a stranger is worthy of a separate post that we won’t get into here, but mainly it’s because I’ve had my share of being lonely and not fitting in, and I like to try to help people, if possible, to have a good time. So I say something positive like, “Oh, just be friendly, introduce yourself, strike up a conversation with people — you’ll be fine.” It’s the truth. People who do that usually ARE fine. I think the scene is very welcoming, and kinksters always want to meet someone new.

But then, like clockwork, the part two response comes: “But I’m shy and a little nervous in large groups. I don’t do well at making the first move. Do you think a Domme would approach someone who’s quiet like me and ask him to play?”

Granted, sometimes there may be a reason someone fears rejection. Some subs over the years have sent me pics, and my first instinct is to say, “Errrrrrrrrrrrrr … wow. Dude, you go out in public?” But of course I curb that reaction and start pep talk number two, ie, lie through my teeth. “You look great: I’m sure you’re a friendly, funny, personable guy who has lots to offer a domme.”

As far as honesty goes, I’ll tell someone that he’s got spaghetti sauce on his chin or that his fly’s undone — stuff that can be quickly remedied — but that’s as far as I go with critiquing how someone looks. I would never say to a sub, for instance, “You might want to lose about 200 pounds before asking a woman to put you over her knee.” I do play with larger guys, and I do put them over my knee (if that’s their thing) by using a couch or another chair for support. Some of my favorite players are larger gentlemen, and I’d rather have a guy be overweight than bony. Still, there are limits to this.

But even if a guy were a complete hunka sweet submeat, the truth, as far as I’m concerned, is that I would probably NOT approach him at a party if he were standing against the wall not talking to anyone. My first instinct would be, “You’re gorgeous. Why the heck are you alone? What’s wrong with you?” I MIGHT take a chance, if there were some compelling reason — someone had introduced me to him, we had talked previously online, I can’t pass up a really exquisite ass, etc. — but it would be rare. And it would be even more unlikely I’d approach someone if he looked strange in some way.

It’s obviously hard to approach people you don’t know. That’s why you should just make small talk and NOT talk about spanking or playing or anything scene-related, unless it’s to compliment someone on a scene he or she just completed. There’s so much less pressure if you just make small talk, tell a joke or two … OK, OK, I know, you’re shy … No jokes.

What’s the point of this blog? I guess to say I understand, I feel for you, I’ve been there, bought the t-shirt (is that how the expression goes?), yada yada — but I can’t do much to help. All I can say is if you want to play at a party, you’ve got to get off the wall and risk making a move.


  1. Sub325

    I hate to contradict Ms. Park, but I think the post misses the obvious.

    Anyone asking these questions most likely shouldn’t be pursuing their interests on the party scene. Rather, they should be sessioning with a professional dom, with whom they can do what they want with someone who knows what they are doing and who understands the people who come to them.

    Dominant submissive relationships are at core one to one. A one on one relationship at a party means exiting the group for a moment. That conflicts with the group dynamics of a gathering. An individual session provides the natural one on one relationship.

    My experience with pro doms at major houses has been uniformally good, and I never had any hesitation about visiting them. The ones I have known seemed to enjoy what they were doing and the people who came to them.

    As for someone seeking a individual permanent relationship, that’s another problem. For the shortage of dominant females, I have no solution.

  2. You’re probably right about someone extremely shy doing better seeking out a pro. One guy told me he’d gone to a pro and she hadn’t spanked him; I think she used CBT on him or some other non-domestic, non-corporal type of “torture,” and he left feeling it was all wrong. I couldn’t help but think, “How did you get yourself into that predicament? Didn’t you research the woman’s repertoire?” Domestic discipline is a specialty service among pro-dommes, but those of us out there offering it aren’t hard to find.

    However, most party environments offer some degree of privacy, either privacy booths or separate rooms. Even at Paddles, a public BDSM club, you can find little corners of privacy. It doesn’t really conflict with the group dynamic — a couple will leave the group to go play, then return — you’re not expected to play in public unless that’s what both of you are into.

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