Figuring out what makes them tick

Being a switch really does have its benefits when I top. It makes it a hell of a lot easier to get into a sub’s head, to figure out what to do with him or her. “What would I like done to me?” is a good question. “What do I love?” Good answers: the cane, the strap, watching someone taking off his belt and then using it.

Maybe better questions are, “What do I hate?” or “What do I love to hate?” or “What do I fear?” These aren’t easy to answer, and of course everyone is different. It’s my job to listen to a sub, to find out as best I can what they’ve done before, what they crave and what they are curious about. A person’s FetLife fetish list is a very good tool.

I generally try to work within these boundaries — but not always. There are things that I could do, that I know will only hurt momentarily, that are not on a particular sub’s menu. Pinching, for instance. A lot of people hate this, but will accept it because they want to accept the pain and they want to be obedient. That’s one primary turn-on for bottoms or subs — not telling the other person what to do, but to be told what to do.

Yes, we’ll talk, we’ll negotiate some basic parameters. A sub may put a hard limit on electricity or cutting, for example. As a top, I negotiate my limits as well. Mostly they fall into the sexual area — boundaries my husband and I have established and personal boundaries. There are things that just turn me off. Once those parameters are set, however, there should still be plenty of things I can do to someone.

Leave a Reply