Permission to talk freely?

My blog is supposed to be about myself, my adventures, my feelings. But too often, I’ve made it about marketing my business — and I haven’t enjoyed it much. There have been personal pieces, yes, but I haven’t felt free to really talk about myself much — where I’m at in the scene and in my personal life.

I still don’t entirely feel free. I am married to Rad. I love him and I still love playing with him — but I also have a Dom, Spike_NY. I know that some people will look at my situation and say, “Why do you need a Dom when you are with a fabulous top?” And Rad is one of the best spankers and role players out there. 

But here’s the thing — I enjoy being dominated and Rad does not wish to take on that role. It’s not his thing. And this goes a little beyond not liking rope bondage or knife play or some of the other freaky things that turn me on. He doesn’t want to be in charge. And I like it when someone takes charge … at least for a certain length of time. I don’t want to (and probably can’t) submit 24/7, even if I were not married and had the “freedom” to. 

But I do love rituals and protocols, and I like having to obey and do service. I like being pushed into taking types of pain I’m not used to, and I also like fear play.  Yes, there is also some erotic play, which is is a source of some anxiety and guilt. I don’t know how other scene couples manage this type of thing. I constantly second-guess myself. Yet, Rad has his own outside partners, too. I am not, and do not wish to be, the only one with extra-curricular play. 

The relationship with my Dom is something in between a game and reality. I feel that if I am his submissive, I obey. So, even if it’s a “game,” that’s how we play the game. But this is only when we are together. We established at the very beginning that our D/s play and rules would not interfere with my relationship and activity with Rad, with my life at home. With the exception that I am usually with my Dom one night a week and sometimes at a party on the weekends, I’ve done my best to keep this rule, and so has Spike. 

The reason I am writing about all this now is that, basically, I’d like to start talking more about my D/s relationship, at least from time to time. I’d like to talk about FetFest, which we’ll be attending in a week and a half, and I’d like to occasionally write about our play and our rituals. I’ll probably write a follow-up to this tomorrow or within a day or two.

P.S. In case anyone’s wondering, I am still a switch — that hasn’t changed. So I’m going to continue to write about topping as well. 

Leave a Reply