I’m not going to go into all the minutia but for those who didn’t know, my Dom and I have agreed to end our D/s relationship, for a variety of reasons. This happened a few weeks ago, and I haven’t been able to write about it till now.
In a general way, it was because our respective needs and desires were in conflict. And also because other relationships (my husband, my Dom’s other play partner) , made it hard for each of us to give the other person enough. I think in an ideal world a person can have multiple play partners or subs or Doms, but when individual personalities converge, it’s not so easy.
For one thing, my husband and my Dom could never be in the same place. There was tension between them. We tried, but we finally had to agree that my Dom would not attend spanking parties and that my husband, Rad, would not attend other scene parties that I attended with my Dom. This meant that if I wanted to go to an event, it would mean either less time with my husband or less time with my Dom. There were always conflicts. I always had to make decisions.
I didn’t come into the D/s relationship expecting it to be romantic, although I think a Dom/sub connection always is a bit romantic and a bit sexual. When your fantasies involve pain, you do not need to be sexual for it to be sexual. Which isn’t to say we weren’t. It involved some romance, some sexuality, some friendship, some pain, some loss of control.
And as wonderful giving up control can feel, the power exchange also left me feeling anxious, insecure and vulnerable when things didn’t go as planned. When he started dating someone new last February, right when I was starting to feel very close to him, it hurt. A lot of his attention was suddenly elsewhere and I had to struggle with my jealousies. He was single and wanted to date–I had no right to tell him not to; I had to accept it. I did the best I could. But I won’t lie and say I was sad when the relationship ended. I now felt I had his attention back and things DID start getting pretty good over the next several months.
Through everything, I wanted to feel special. I wanted to feel that my submission was special. When he started playing with another sub a few months ago, I no longer felt special. I struggled with my jealousy, I struggled with our intimacy, I also struggled with the feeling that I wasn’t being told all the details. At public events I suddenly had to be part of a matching set. Often if he touched me, he touched her. If he put his arm around her, he put his arm around me. I didn’t like it. I never was given the opportunity to get to know her; it happened so fast. It felt as if they already knew each other pretty well and I would have to try to catch up. I never knew what to say at that point. “How’s it going with the submission?” “Does he _____ your ____, too?” “How do you like it when he does ____?” Anything along those lines seemed really awkward.
Along with all those feelings was the feeling that I wasn’t being a good sub when I got jealous. But I was a good sub. I was obedient, I followed protocols, I tried to accept whatever pain he wanted me to submit to. But I couldn’t deal with the idea of submitting in front of her, or watching her submit in front of me, possibly taking more than I could take. I found out that she enjoyed a particular type of play that I had trouble handling. On the one hand, it was sort of a relief that I didn’t have to try to accept this type of pain anymore. On the other hand, I was pretty sure that he did the same things to her that he did to me, PLUS this type of play, so I felt she had an advantage. He would tell me I was still number one, but I no longer felt that way.
There were a few other things that happened, which I can’t go into detail about on my blog, and I finally decided I had to stop. It was getting too painful.
I am left feeling a little lost. I really enjoyed following his orders and the rituals and the protocols, and we usually had a great time together. I’m not saying I HAVE to be the only sub in a relationship, I just don’t know to do it. I know some people can handle being one of several subs quite well. Maybe things should have happened differently. Maybe if I’d known more up front it would have been easier. Who knows? Maybe my next Dom will have to be a married man–whose wife either knows or is in the scene–so there isn’t so much of an emotional/romantic feel to things. But I’m not looking right now; I’m only scheduling play dates here and there.