My current mood this week: sick … well, it ought to be a mood, in my opinion. It seems to create all kinds of other feelings: depression, apathy, disgust, crankiness.
I’m going to the Iron Bell Academy’s New Year’s Eve party tomorrow night, and have at least one scene set up, plus another tentative one. I’d like to play with my husband, too, since he’s my date!
Instead I’m wondering if I’ll be a stick in the mud all evening, sipping hot tea with lemon. It’s not that I’m so sick I should stay home (at least I don’t think so) but I’m stuffed up with a bit of a cough, plus, right now, a headache.
So, we’ll see. The scene I lined up was with a friend I’ve wanted to play with for months, but our schedules never made it possible. I’ve known him for about a year, and all I’ve ever done with him was a quickie caning. He can be a scary player — he gives me that nervous excitement I love. But now I wonder how successful a scene with him will be on Saturday, in my current state.
I’ve struggled lately with the idea of a harder scene. There has always been only a handful of people I’ve trusted to do this with, but recently, even though a couple of these tops are nearby and I could schedule a play date pretty easily, I don’t. I’m not sure how much I want that anymore. I think I still want it, because of the incredible place it can take me, but I don’t want to do it with just any sadist. I want to do it with a sadist who knows me and knows how far to push me, who understands what makes me melt.
Greedy little me is thinking if I don’t get to play with my friend on NYE, when will we play? I think my decision on whether to play with someone is based partly on whether I trust him, partly on whether he turns me on, and partly on whether I think he likes me.
The desire is there, but it’s been tucked away into a back pocket. Hopefully it’ll be there tomorrow — and I’ll feel better about playing. If not … well, I’ll have some nice food, socialize with friends and ring in the New Year quietly.