A friend told me someone else we know in the scene had observed me topping someone and thought that I looked angry. I was a little surprised at this — because usually when I top in public I’m just topping — I’m not doing a role play (ie, angry mom or teacher).
But maybe my “serious face” just looks angry sometimes. I do tend to get serious. I want to focus on my bottom in what are often noisy, distracting circumstances. I want to pay attention to my aim, his reactions, his comfort — beyond the pain of the spanking or strapping or whatever it is I’m doing to him, I want him to be in a comfortable position, one that he can stay in for as long as I need him to.
I want what I’m doing to be intense. I want it to be a little scary, and more than a little painful–sepending on the partner, of course, but most people I top seem to like that. I guess I top the way I like to bottom. It may get sexual in a peripheral way, but it’s going to be more about emotional than erotic release.
I’m never angry at my bottom (why would I top someone I was angry at?–this is play, not abuse or retribution). But sometimes the play is “fast & furious,” and the “furious,” I suppose, can be a bit of an unplanned mini role play.
I don’t know; when I bottom & it’s a hard scene, it’s often incongruous to have my top smiling at me & being nice. When someone lays a cane stroke into me that makes me scream, is that “nice.” Oh, yes, it may be exactly what I need. But I’m not thinking, “thank you for giving me what I need.” I’m thinking “son of a bitch!”
Do I want my bottoms thinking, “Bitch!”? Yeah, maybe. I’m not, really … well, not most of the time. I have to call up my inner mean girl. And I guess sometimes she looks pissed…