Red badges of courage

The last several weeks seem to have flown by. The scene I described yesterday, in which Spike_NY caned me while reading Shakespeare, took place on Presidents Day, Feb. 20. As a mentioned I still have the marks, but I also have this one whip mark lingering on from a scene I did earlier–i think it was Feb. 10 or 11.

I love marks. That’s another one of those things about this thing that we do that I can’t explain. I love seeing them, always in private places that the outside world never sees, & recalling how they happened to get there. Always, or nearly always, it was something that left me yelling, sobbing or even begging.

I don’t like safe words. I want my top to control the scene, so I may plead with him when things start to get rough but I usually won’t tell him to end the scene. (funny how “telling him to end the scene” has a different connotation than “using a safeword”–the former seems more controlling, even though it’s essentially the same request: “i need to stop!”)

I don’t like safewords, but that doesn’t mean that I’m some uber-masochist who can take anything. Far from it–i can actually be quite a wimp on some days.

At the Wicked New York party that Rad & I attended two weeks ago, I witnessed a dom friend of mine whip his girlfriend/sub. I had been considering playing with this Dom, but after watching his work, I didn’t know if I had it in me. It was one of the most severe whippings I’d ever witnessed. He drew blood. I loved watching it, don’t get me wrong–it was exciting, & I always love seeing how others process pain. His sub seemed to have reached some state of bliss, which was fascinating. She cried out here & there, but she didn’t struggle or beg him to stop. …I’d have been screaming my lungs out. I KNOW, because I’ve taken whippings that were probably not a third as hard as that, & I was fighting.

The Dom in question assured me later that he does not always play so hard. & he seems like a very nice sadist (the only kind one should play with!) But it definitely gave me pause, and we have not moved forward into setting up an actual play date.

But that’s fine. I may have my crazy scenes, but I do have a fair understanding of my limits & what I can take. I could not have taken what his sub took.

So to return to the subject of marks, the marks she bore were, in my kind,  badges of honor. I loved the marks, would have loved wearing them myself. But this was one case where I wasn’t willing to walk through that particular fire to get them.

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