That’s the slogan on one of my t-shirts (shameless self-plug). But like many of my t-shirt slogans, there is a basis in reality for me. I often feel at peace in subspace; I often feel loved. The attention my top or dom is giving me can change my mood as quickly as flipping a switch. Whether that attention is gentle or painful hardly seems to matter; although, the “peace” of subspace may come later for me if it’s a hard, painful scene.
When I bottomed to Nauttiboy on Friday night at the Life in Nassau party in Albertson, I went into that space pretty quickly. It was a painful scene, with spanking, strapping, paddling, flogging and at one point a pair of pointy metal claw-like attachments to his fingers. It wasn’t as sharp as a knife, but it was painful and left a mark, and I made noise while he was using them. I should explain that when I bottom I rarely ever use a safe word. It’s partially pride, but mostly it’s a desire to be made to take more than I think I can take … and to let it take me where I may need to go. That’s what Nauttiboy was doing as he topped me. He was pushing me. He knows how I play and he knows he can do it to me.
It had been a long, stressful week — I felt like I’d been working constantly and I was emotional over something earlier in the week. It was still in the back of my mind on Friday night. When I started feeling his physical pain I was reminded of this emotional pain. I thought came to me: “Life is painful. Accept it.” But that wasn’t the end of things.
I sometimes see colors when I’m feeling pain. I sometimes see yellow or white light (on rare occasions it’s red). This time I swear I saw a dove, a white dove, while Nauttiboy was using the claws. I have never seen a dove while bottoming before. Why a dove? Does this mean something? Nauttiboy has a lot of body art, and one of his tattoos is a peace sign. Maybe the peace sign translated into my head as a bird of peace–but he has many other tattoos and none of the others came to me in subspace.
I think that if I remember something from a dream, my subconscious mind is telling me something: Either I have to focus on something, be reminded of something, or change something. And I believe, although images in dreams can be symbols, they can also be quite literal at times. So if a white dove comes to me in subspace, I’ll accept that as “go in peace; be in peace. Yes, life is painful. But not always. It can also be quite joyful.”
Nauttiboy is a good friend of mine and I felt cared for throughout and after our scene. I doubt the subspace or the images would have occurred otherwise.
On Saturday night I had a related but yet quite different form of subspace. Rad and I were at the Wicked New York party run by Sir Master Jay. I played with a new Dom I’ve been getting to know, Master Chirality, and he used an implement that he had just had crafted for him by artist and author Dame Tyler. It is a six-foot-long staff that has a circumference of I’d say about six inches. It’s thick, long and solid (don’t say it … don’t say it …). It’s not just a stick, of course. It’s designed with scientific formulas and symbols, mostly from quantum physics, which this Dom has more than a passing interest in. (He’s been getting me to read about this, as well).
I offered to help Master Chirality “christen” his staff (that sounds really dirty) and he agreed. I figured it would be very thuddy, and I guessed that it might be a very pleasant sensation–that is, unless he swung it hard enough to break my knees. I took a leap of faith and figured that wouldn’t happen. He told me to bend over a table, one of those padded bondage benches with eyebolts lining the sides.
Before he began, he said he was going to do some energy work with me in addition to using the staff. He asked if that would be OK. Having no idea what he was planning on doing, I said yes–I couldn’t see any harm. What it turned out to be was a gentle stroking down my spine ending with a light tap at the base, near the sacrum. He said later he was working with my chakras. I don’t know how someone knows how to work with someone else’s chakras, or energy, for that matter, but it didn’t matter to me–it felt good. I was happy, very blissful. The staff’s impact was delicious. Master Chirality very slowly built up and increased the force and speed of its impact, taking breaks in between to do the chakra work again. A few of the later strokes were stingy, a little bit painful, as they struck my right upper thigh. But overall, it was not a painful scene. I was feeling endorphin or serotonin or whatever pleasure chemical was being released. As in the painful scene on Friday night, I saw light and color in my head. I saw the stars and at one point they morphed into a white daisy. Just one daisy, flashing briefly, like the dove I saw on Friday night.
I was not so fully gone into sub space that I was not aware of what was going on around me. I could hear bits and pieces of a conversation to my right, a guy and a girl talking. At one point I heard the girl say, “so, last year I died for the second time…” it nearly brought me out of the bliss, but I breathed deeply and stayed where I was. I felt suddenly that I was tilting forward, the sensation of tilting while being fully aware that my physical body was not moving.
Right after that, I became aware that one of the eyebolts was pressing into my groin. I hadn’t felt it earlier; I must have moved in closer to the bench during the scene. It was mildly annoying, a tiny bit painful, and I started to laugh about that and about the conversation I’d overheard. I don’t mean to make light of it; I’m sure she believed she had died and returned to life. But it seemed funny to hear at the time from a live person … in the middle of a dungeon. So I laughed. I felt so relaxed I didn’t care. The skeptic in me says a person can’t really mess with another person’s energy and make them feel differently. The little girl inside who still wants to believe in magic felt some crazy spell had just been worked on me.
I don’t know. I’ve never been all that good at relaxing and maybe all that happened was that I was able to let go. It doesn’t matter. It felt great. And I’m allowed to feel great.