Two years…

It’s been two years since I’ve been to Vegas for Shadow Lane, and, though I’ve seen some of my friends at other parties (Boardwalk Badness, Crimson Moon), there are friends I have not seen in two years and the anticipation is high. I don’t like to go into a party expecting anything … I try not to … but sometimes I can’t help it. If someone tells me he misses me and can’t wait to play with me, I do expect something. Still, knowing how things can and will change because of various circumstances at these events, I have to make other plans.

No one person is going to make or break my party. But … confession … the reality is there is one special Dom I can’t wait to play with, and I’m unofficially setting aside some time for him. Not one hour—several hours. I’m not saying our scene will last that long—but I don’t want to rush anything.

There are several other Doms I want to see, too. One has already established a play time with me; I’m still going back and forth with the others.

In the meantime, I am expressing my top side and there are folks I must spank/strap/cane. That part takes as much planning and energy as bottoming does, but at least my butt is not worn out after I top (my shoulder, maybe, if I’m not careful…)

Parties bring an amazing euphoria, but they can also leave me crashing in despair, a feeling I’ve just been rejected and, on occasion, a certain contempt for myself that I crave This Thing We Do so badly that I crave certain … “dealers” … for the way they really know how to find my vein and tap into it. They can leave me crushed, annihilated, but still begging for more. It’s crazy that the thing I desire so badly can reduce me to a sobbing, inhuman mess of a person.

I know this, and I do my best to prepare. So that’s why getting in touch with people and making appointments. I can’t control everything (there is little I can control) but I’m not going to leave it entirely to fate, either. I can make plans for some play and be spontaneous with other play. I will work on getting past my own selfish desires, looking at these fabulous Doms I get to play with … and I miss all of them, not just one of them.

I will hang with my girlfriends, whom I miss just as much as my Doms. I will hang with Rad. I will have a great party.


  1. tanned

    I understand how you feel, Expectations creep in to make you feel insecure when everyone who knows you loves you and is just as excited to see you! I am so scared of meeting others that at times I just sit in the back and listen or jump in the middle wanting to be a part of the group!
    I fear I will not be liked as I was always the out cast in school and was the 4’10” 75 pound weakling in school till my senior year also my friends all took advantage of me as I always had work and money to do things So I was the Taxi, party friend till I was broke then it was no call no need to see me!
    I will just go to the party and have fun meet new people and see old friends and just try to not be a pest and tease some to much! LOL

  2. Yes, and I’m happy that the party was not so bad, other than a few moments of thinking, “I’m chopped liver. I must be chopped liver, right?”

    And then you hook up with a favorite partner and you once again feel special.

  3. spurtacus

    Thank you for your honesty. I thought only newbies like me had these anxieties. I’d ask more but I am aware that what’s played in Vegas stays in Vegas. ;)

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