Cassandra Park

I posted earlier on FetLife that I was feeling stressed at work, and I was sad because ever since I started this temp job I’ve had to miss activities, especially out in Long Island, because I’m working in Manhattan now.

But I really can’t complain much, I mean, first of all, as someone pointed out to me in response to my little whine, “At least you have a job!” As well they should have pointed that out to me.

But secondly, I can’t complain because I am not lacking for things to do, fun things to do. The long Presidents’ Day weekend was full. I.worked on my book on Friday night; Rad & I hung out with spanko friends on Saturday night; I visited and topped a switch friend of mine on Sunday afternoon; and I visited my former Dom, Spike_NY, on Monday for a very intense play session.

And I hate to admit this, but I’m sure I did not fully catch up on sleep, and that’s probably part of the reason I’m feeling stress at work. I work in a field where I frequently feel I’m in over my head — but I keep showing up on time and doing the best that I can and no one’s asked me to pack up my belongings yet.

But I do miss my friends in Long Island, some of whom get together for a munch every Wednesday. It’s called the “Long Island Kink Enthusiasts’ Munch,” also known “The LIK’EM munch” (the redundancy is overlooked).

When a group gets together frequently and you can’t make it, you feel like you’re missing out, that you’re not as much a part of things, and that people will forget you. Every week, late Wednesday or early Thursday, I see folks in my FetLife feed making friends with new folks and I think, he/she/they look cool, hope I get to know him/her/them soon.

But I’m still making most of the every-other Tuesday Long Island Leather N Roses meetings, if not the pre-meeting munch, so I’m still seeing a lot of people there. Out of sight doesn’t mean completely out of mind.

A friend told me someone else we know in the scene had observed me topping someone and thought that I looked angry. I was a little surprised at this — because usually when I top in public I’m just topping — I’m not doing a role play (ie, angry mom or teacher).

But maybe my “serious face” just looks angry sometimes. I do tend to get serious. I want to focus on my bottom in what are often noisy, distracting circumstances. I want to pay attention to my aim, his reactions, his comfort — beyond the pain of the spanking or strapping or whatever it is I’m doing to him, I want him to be in a comfortable position, one that he can stay in for as long as I need him to.

I want what I’m doing to be intense. I want it to be a little scary, and more than a little painful–sepending on the partner, of course, but most people I top seem to like that. I guess I top the way I like to bottom. It may get sexual in a peripheral way, but it’s going to be more about emotional than erotic release.

I’m never angry at my bottom (why would I top someone I was angry at?–this is play, not abuse or retribution). But sometimes the play is “fast & furious,” and the “furious,” I suppose, can be a bit of an unplanned mini role play.

I don’t know; when I bottom & it’s a hard scene, it’s often incongruous to have my top smiling at me & being nice. When someone lays a cane stroke into me that makes me scream, is that “nice.” Oh, yes, it may be exactly what I need. But I’m not thinking, “thank you for giving me what I need.” I’m thinking “son of a bitch!”

Do I want my bottoms thinking, “Bitch!”? Yeah, maybe. I’m not, really … well, not most of the time. I have to call up my inner mean girl. And I guess sometimes she looks pissed…

In other exciting news, Wes, the facilitator of the TES Special Interest Group (SIG) on Spanking has asked me to be the new co-coordinator. As you know I spoke on Pain Processing for Spankos a week or so back at this meeting.

The next Spanking SIG meeting will be Wednesday, March 28, with the theme “Why Spanking?” This is going to be a panel of people who have spanking as their primary kink. They’ll be talking about what they like about spanking, how they developed their kink, some sublime moments, and perhaps some things they don’t like. There are still a couple of slots open and if you feel you would like to be part of this, drop me an email at mscassandrapark@gmail.com.

The next meeting after that won’t be until May 2. I’m hoping to make that one more of a demo, not just a talk. I have some ideas floating around in my little head (as always) but I’m open to all suggestions. Again, respond to me on my blog, on FetLife or via email.

Weekend was lots of fun. I was feeling much better after my pre- and just-past New Year’s illness. My cough lingers mildly, but I’m fine. Obviously, I’m back to work and this’ll be the first full week of the year. My day job is busy, a little tedious, but not difficult or stressful.

Friday night I was tired after a long week, but I was invited at the last minute to a kinky birthday party not too far from where we live. It was a tiny, low-key gathering of friends plus a few people I didn’t know well. I enjoyed the company and watching others play, in spite not being up to playing myself. And the cake was delicious.

On Saturday night it was another kinky birthday party, this one a little more lively. I’d had plenty of time to rest for this one, and I was itching to play. I got to top my friend J., which was fun, although our timing was off — someone decided it was time to sing Happy Birthday right in the middle of our scene, and J. said he couldn’t get back into the right head space afterward. Hopefully he still had a good time.

I bottomed to another friend, a fun Dom I’ve known for the past year but never had the opportunity to do a serious scene with (I think he gave me a few strokes with a cane at one prior party). Saturday’s scene was perfect. He was wicked and unpredictable, and pushed me just right, using nasty toys on my butt, thighs, back and calves. The calves are a particularly difficult place to take pain, speaking for myself. I struggled a little with that, but he ordered me to stay in position and I did my best. I made a lot of noise, though! (If I have to keep still, then I’m going to yell). At one point he leaned over and asked if I’d had enough. I responded, “You’re in charge, Sir.” He grabbed my hair and pulled, saying, “I asked you a question!” I was in pain, but not ready to quit. I only paused briefly before answering: “No, Sir.” He let go of my hair, stepped back and thrashed me some more. Mmmmm.

We were in the basement of our host’s house and there were others around. My friend said we’d have to do a more private, more intense scene soon. Sounds good to me. I hope we can arrange it around both our busy schedules…

Tomorrow I’m off to Brentwood for the Long Island Leather N Roses meeting. Seems like ages since I’ve been out there, but it’s really only been a few weeks. There’s not going to be a demo but rather a planning meeting for upcoming meetings.

This morning I am heading back to the “real world,” my job, temp though it is, it does pay the bills. I am armed with cough drops, cough syrup, generic Musinex, Tylenol, my next dose of antibiotic and my water bottle, as I must get plenty of fluids.

I know it’s ridiculous to write so much about being sick, but this has practically destroyed any desire for BDSM or spanking play the last couple of days, so it’s hard to focus on a kinky topic.

I will say that I know I’ll have a resurgence. Maybe this’ll happen by the weekend. Rad & I were talking about a trip to Maryland to visit spanko friends and attend a party on Saturday night. I think I may pass on traveling this weekend, however. I want to be fully recovered. Locally, it will be OTK night at Paddles so maybe we’ll make an appearance there. But i was also invited to a birthday party. Choices…

After that, who knows? I haven’t gone to a scene party (non-spanking) without my Dom yet, and I may have to test the waters soon. I missed being in sub mode on New Year’s Eve, although, in a funny way, I’ve been in subby/little girl mode the last five days or so as my “Daddy” (Rad) has taken care of me and made sure I was taking my medicine.

I need more than that, of course. But all in good time. No need to rush.