Cassandra Park

A post was started the other day in the FetLife group “The Spanking World: Good Vs. Bad,” that I contributed to, but left me thinking I had a lot more growth to go through. The topic was “How many times do I have to say ‘no’?”, and is about going to spanking parties (which many of us do on a semi-regular basis) and having the same guys repeatedly ask you to play even though you’ve said no before. Or — having to make a snap judgment and decision about someone whom you didn’t expect to ask you to play.

I’m a person who was, to put it mildly, not popular growing up. In fact I was either ignored or verbally bullied on a regular basis in school. So I’m sensitive to “trying to be nice” to everyone. At the same time I realize that it is impossible to be nice to everyone. The “nice” way of turning down a potential partner by saying “maybe later” quickly comes back to haunt you.

The standard advice is to tell players, “If you mean no, say no.” I wrote on the board that that’s all well and good, but I resented having to be the person turning someone down when I gave no indication to this person at all that I was interested in the first place. I wrote, “How about those doing the asking do a little honest assessment about the situation? Was the person making eye contact with you or smiling before you approached? While you are standing there, has she turned away from you, not really looked at you, perhaps backed up a few inches?…”

Another spanko, a female bottom, responded to me: “The problem I see with this is — it’s akin to saying, ‘well, if he doesn’t do it, then I am not gonna do it!’ One of my favorite quotes is, ‘Unable to govern events, I govern myself.’ I can’t control whether or not someone else is able or willing to do an honest assessment about a situation, but I can control whether I am clear about my answer or response to them.”

Good advice! For me, when I ask, I actually prefer a euphemism like “maybe later” if a guy is turning me down. I don’t want to hear “no”! But I do admit that honesty makes it clear to all involved.

And the message is sent out to potential spankos (usually men) that they have to develop thicker skins about rejection.

But perhaps I have to have a thicker skin as well. When someone asks ME to play and I don’t want to, I tend to feel down about myself when I say no. I hate saying no; I hate seeing someone’s sad eyes across the room after I’ve said, “No, thank you,” especially if it’s someone I’ve played with before. That’s never a good feeling for the person doing the asking, to think about the wonderful time you had with someone the last time–to assume he/she also had a wonderful time–and now he/she doesn’t want to play again.

I was just thinking about the fact that I could spend several hundred dollars flying somewhere, paying for a party and a room, and there may be three or four people I want to play with who make the expense worthwhile. The rest are usually fun as well, and I get to see girlfriends I haven’t seen all year, too, but those three or four really “make” your party. They “get” you, they know what kind of play you need, they get you going.

If a friend approaches me for play and he’s not in that category, I may or may not have the energy; I may be reserving my skin for a harder scene; there may be other reasons. And I have many friends that I really love playing with, but I still might say no at a particular time. And that’s hard, because they are friends.

There are then … and I hate to say this … “third and fourth tier” levels of spanko acquaintances. You might like the person fine, but he’s really an “ass man” — he spends a lot of time stroking you, which isn’t really your thing. Or he’s not hard enough. Or maybe he’s too hard, and you don’t share the kind of connection that you need for that kind of play.

Then there are other players that you know; you’ve seen them at many parties before, and they’re fine, but … you’re just not attracted in the way you need to be attracted. Or they may fawn over you when you really want them to take charge. They say they are dominant but they don’t act that way.

As a switch, there’s the other problem of too many male bottoms, too few female tops. I choose to make myself available when possible, and in most cases (not all) I’m usually a service top. This requires a different kind of energy, and, again, because of this I have to pick and choose my partners. I want to give something back to the community and that’s a fine motivation. But at the same time, I need to enjoy myself and play with people I enjoy. If I’m faking my enjoyment, it’s not fun for the other person, is it?–I don’t think so.

I could state any number of reasons why someone “doesn’t make the cut.” And I’m not talking about the blatant, obvious ones like “b.o.,” or “inebriation,” or “rudeness.” He could just look depressed, which is a turn-off. Or he’s too heavy or too thin. I prefer heavier guys, but not extremely obese. (If I’m bottoming to you, it’s best if you have a lap… not a deal breaker; I’m just saying…)

Maybe all of us need to work harder at friendship at these parties. By that I mean, not looking at everyone of the opposite sex as a potential partner,  but seeing them as a person. Even if you don’t want to play, even if that person doesn’t want to play with you, maybe there can be a good friendship based on other qualities.

Food for thought, as we begin “the spanking season.” Boardwalk Badness is approaching…

A few upcoming events/announcements.

1) The deadline for short story submissions (“My First Spanking”) is Tuesday, Jan. 31 by 11:59 p.m. Click on the link at right (under “Latest News”) for details.

2) I’ll be speaking on Wednesday (Feb 1) at the TES spanking group. The topic is how masochists, bottoms and submissives process the pain of a hard spanking. If you’re in New York, please come join us. If you’re elsewhere, I welcome your thoughts on this before (or even after) the meeting.

3) My writing will be featured in an upcoming publication called “The Spanking Handbook,” a non-fiction collection of essays by various writers in the spanking scene.

More details to follow about all three of these topics… have a great week!

This post is just a quickie before bedtime; I may expand on it in the morning.

I was asked to speak at the upcoming TES spanking group on Feb. 1, and the topic I picked was something I’ve been wanting to talk about for some time — how to process the pain of a hard spanking or discipline.

I have a rough outline and my own ideas on how I process pain (sometimes, the answer is “not very well”). But I wanted to ask other bottoms, subs, masochists, etc. — how do you accept a hard scene? Do you have a preparatory ritual? Does it depend on what’s happening or the person you’re with?

I’d really love to hear others’ thoughts on this. You can respond here, on FetLife, or shoot me an email (mscassandrapark@gmail.com). I’ll probably repeat some of them here in a future blog (let me know whether or not you want your name used, and what name to use if so).

Cross posted on FetLife.

In my last post I started to write about the scene I had on Sunday with Spike_NY, my Dom until recently. I didn’t mention that after the bath brushing, after the knife play & the whipping on my inner thighs and pussy, he strapped me with three different straps, the pinnacle being his scary razor strop. Fantasy objects meet reality. It ain’t easy… But there was a reason Spike was my Dom, and there is a reason I still like playing with him. He pushes my boundaries. He creates scary scenarios. He makes me take things I am petrified of. You’re going to use THAT? THERE? Oh, fuck! I am not some super masochist. I don’t lie back & say, “Bring it on.” I am scared. I don’t know if I can take it. I DON’T think I take it well. It sometimes reduces me to a panicky, blubbering mess. It’s at those times, when I don’t say “red” and my top surges forward, that the magic starts to happen. It doesn’t look like magic. Like I said I may be struggling, I may be hating it. On Sunday I was screaming quite a bit. He took a few seconds break, perhaps, & kept going. The whip struck my thighs, my mound, played with the clothespins but didn’t knock any off, at first. I had this hopeful notion in my head that perhaps the clothespins would block the whip from striking my pussy. Wishful thinking. When it first touched down I yelled. No, he’s not doing this to me, he won’t do more … And another scream as it hit the target again, lightening on my cunt. Unbearable, unbearable… I am not a tough girl, I am not … but I am not saying red. The whipping continues. At one point Spike got impatient at the progress, as far as removing the clothespins, and he simply reached down and ripped a handful off all at once. The zipper was not as painful as the whipping, and if it meant I wouldn’t be whipped as long, I was grateful. I couldn’t escape or turn over, but some strikes made me sit straight up and roar. I was encased in the straitjacket & hood, and believe me, I was sweating. It’s hard to think much about anything beyond the pain, while it’s happening. It’s only afterward that I feel high, ecstatic, grateful & full of admiration about how he had pushed me. I felt so close to him, felt a kinship. The two sides of the coin, melded together. I’ve mentioned before that there are only a handful of people who can do this to me. By “can do,” of course I mean “i allow to.” Any garden-variety sadist can reduce a sub to tears. I need them to understand, to have an inkling of what I’m going through … but also, when the scene’s over and the toys are put away, I need them to care about me & I need to care about them.

I wanted to post a little update about “My First Spanking,” the spanking anthology I’m editing for Ravenous Romance. I’ve received about 20 stories already, and I am going to start narrowing down my choices, this week.

There is still time to get your stories in, and I could definitely use a few more.

Make them quirky, romantic, or sexy — as long as they meet the guidelines (see details here), send them in! Submissions are due by the end of January. So far I’m enjoying the variety of themes people have submitted.

Ravenous Romance is run by a Domme friend of mine in the local community, and I’m happy to be joining her list of editors. I do realize that I still need to be writing myself. The last several weeks I’ve been very busy with other freelance (editing) projects, but I’ve met all those deadlines and I can now focus on this book and on my own stories. I’m happy I have at least started a new piece of fiction. I’m not happy that I have about 3 or 4 other stories started but not finished. All of these need to be looked at again and fleshed out. But one thing at a time.

Questions? Email me at mscassandrapark@gmail.com