Cassandra Park

In other exciting news, Wes, the facilitator of the TES Special Interest Group (SIG) on Spanking has asked me to be the new co-coordinator. As you know I spoke on Pain Processing for Spankos a week or so back at this meeting.

The next Spanking SIG meeting will be Wednesday, March 28, with the theme “Why Spanking?” This is going to be a panel of people who have spanking as their primary kink. They’ll be talking about what they like about spanking, how they developed their kink, some sublime moments, and perhaps some things they don’t like. There are still a couple of slots open and if you feel you would like to be part of this, drop me an email at mscassandrapark@gmail.com.

The next meeting after that won’t be until May 2. I’m hoping to make that one more of a demo, not just a talk. I have some ideas floating around in my little head (as always) but I’m open to all suggestions. Again, respond to me on my blog, on FetLife or via email.

When Wes, the coordinator of the TES spanking special interest group, asked me to do a talk in front of the group on Feb. 1, he also left it up to me to pick the topic. After some hemming and hawing, I came up with “pain processing, pain acceptance.” (Here’s the link to the FetLife event page: https://fetlife.com/events/87499/v2.)

It’s a topic that’s close to my own heart. Believe me, as much as I love a hard scene, as much as I like being taken down a notch, I struggle greatly with the process. It is never easy. I am afraid. I may be shaking, breaking out in a sweat, yelling, sobbing, sometimes screaming. I can’t imagine what I was thinking. I just want it to end. I am often relieved when it ends.

But then I come back for more.

There is something about pain that I need. It relieves stress and anxiety, it brings about a positive outlook, it gets me high … It sometimes makes me come. Putting myself into a situation where I “have no choice” is a joyful abdication of the responsibilities of life, the countless ways throughout my normal day where I have to be grownup and do my job and make 1,000 different decisions.

Submitting to the pain of a good spanking eventually brings me to that blissful place where I feel strong and alive.

But first I have to get through the ordeal. And it’s not easy, but I have developed a few techniques along my journey. I’m going to talk about that tomorrow (Weds, Feb. 1) at the meeting, I’ll share what some others have said about pain, and I’ll take feedback from the audience.

I hope to see many kindred spirits, the others out there — bottoms, subs, masochists, pain sluts or however you choose to label yourself. How do YOU process pain? And why do YOU do it?

Weekend was lots of fun. I was feeling much better after my pre- and just-past New Year’s illness. My cough lingers mildly, but I’m fine. Obviously, I’m back to work and this’ll be the first full week of the year. My day job is busy, a little tedious, but not difficult or stressful.

Friday night I was tired after a long week, but I was invited at the last minute to a kinky birthday party not too far from where we live. It was a tiny, low-key gathering of friends plus a few people I didn’t know well. I enjoyed the company and watching others play, in spite not being up to playing myself. And the cake was delicious.

On Saturday night it was another kinky birthday party, this one a little more lively. I’d had plenty of time to rest for this one, and I was itching to play. I got to top my friend J., which was fun, although our timing was off — someone decided it was time to sing Happy Birthday right in the middle of our scene, and J. said he couldn’t get back into the right head space afterward. Hopefully he still had a good time.

I bottomed to another friend, a fun Dom I’ve known for the past year but never had the opportunity to do a serious scene with (I think he gave me a few strokes with a cane at one prior party). Saturday’s scene was perfect. He was wicked and unpredictable, and pushed me just right, using nasty toys on my butt, thighs, back and calves. The calves are a particularly difficult place to take pain, speaking for myself. I struggled a little with that, but he ordered me to stay in position and I did my best. I made a lot of noise, though! (If I have to keep still, then I’m going to yell). At one point he leaned over and asked if I’d had enough. I responded, “You’re in charge, Sir.” He grabbed my hair and pulled, saying, “I asked you a question!” I was in pain, but not ready to quit. I only paused briefly before answering: “No, Sir.” He let go of my hair, stepped back and thrashed me some more. Mmmmm.

We were in the basement of our host’s house and there were others around. My friend said we’d have to do a more private, more intense scene soon. Sounds good to me. I hope we can arrange it around both our busy schedules…

Tomorrow I’m off to Brentwood for the Long Island Leather N Roses meeting. Seems like ages since I’ve been out there, but it’s really only been a few weeks. There’s not going to be a demo but rather a planning meeting for upcoming meetings.

I began the New Year battling a sudden stomach virus, added to my already existing head cold, sore throat and cough from which I am still recovering. I was miserable all of Sunday and spent most of it sleeping; was better today, as far as the virus, but my head cold and cough were still there. My regular doctor wasn’t open … I sat for an hour in the neighborhood walk-in clinic, listening to an extremely cranky receptionist while continuing to proofread the novel I’m working on (my head was hurting, but I still have a deadline to meet on Friday).

After a nurse took my temperature and blood pressure, the doc saw me for all of about 1.5 minutes, during which he looked at my throat, wrote a prescription for a Z-pac (antibiotics) and wished me a happy new year on his way out. Well, that’s what I really needed, anyway–the antibiotics–I wasn’t expecting bedside manners, and he was pleasant enough despite being rushed.

Funny thing was, I’d been wondering if I could start a diet New Year’s Day … you know, wondering whether I’d have the will power. The stomach virus sort of answered THAT question. I could barely eat anything. Had some oatmeal, an apple, and later some chicken and plain rice. Today was more of the same–very bland meals, small quantities. I also didn’t think caffeine would be good for me so I’ve been off it for two days. I think I will continue this; I’ve been wanting to kick it for a while now.

I try to start resolutions BEFORE the New Year, usually, so I would have been back at the gym a week ago, had I not been sick. I think I can manage at least the treadmill a few days this week, or whatever cardio machine is available–it’ll probably be crowded right after New Year’s.

New Year’s Eve was not the greatest. At the party I went to, I played with my husband Rad and I had a good time with him. He spanked me and did some other play with me. At that point I was still well enough to handle play. I didn’t feel up to topping anyone, and I didn’t feel very connected to the other party goers. I didn’t know enough people and, although I introduced myself to a number of folks, conversations weren’t flowing easily for me. I’m sure it was me and my energy level. A few people I knew showed up, eventually, but even then I know I wasn’t being very talkative. The party actually ran till 6 a.m. and they were going to serve breakfast, but my husband and I left shortly after 1.

I titled this blog “no resolutions” because I don’t really want to announce “I’m going to try to change this, this and this.” I always want to lose a little weight, New Year’s or not, so that’s a given. But one thing I really, really, really want to focus on this year is not feeling guilty. Not feeling guilty that I gained a few pounds, not feeling guilty that I haven’t written fiction in a while, not feeling guilty that right now I’m writing a blog when I should be … reading … practicing guitar … responding to an email … etc. etc. etc. There are other things I want to work on, yes, but I’m going to try my darnedest not to feel guilty if I fall short.

Oh, of course, if there’s a REAL reason for feeling guilty, I’ll claim it. But most of the time, there isn’t. So, that’s my plan for today. Less guilt in 2012.

 I think I left the impression, when I wrote about FetFest a few days ago, that I didn’t connect with others much. I wanted to revise that a bit. There were more connections happening than I’d suggested, but most of them were of the “getting to know people a little better” nature.

I got to top SubMale9992003 (Bruce), whom I’ve known for years but never played with. I used his floggers, canes and other toys, which simplified things for me. I know his canes are the ones sold and used by Mistress Nona (Mistress Mine on FetLife, proprietor of the Iron Bell Academy). They’re good quality canes, and Bruce can take a pretty good thrashing, so we had fun. He’s expressed to me on several occasions that he can take it hard if the top builds up as she plays. So I tried to do that with him. I started light and sensual, then spanked him, then flogged him–going from soft to hard floggers–and finally I caned him.

He had cane lines on his butt already, so I assumed he’d played earlier in the weekend. But Bruce said they were lingering marks from a session with Mistress Nona a week or so prior. I was his first top of the weekend, and I felt good that we got to play. I really liked watching the series of parallel lines forming on his butt as I went along, and the low sounds he was making in response to the cane.

Bruce is smart and a really nice guy–an ex-Marine. My Dom and I shared most of our meals with him during FetFest. We see him often at Paddles and at parties in Long Island.

Over the weekend, I also had occasion to talk with and attend classes run by Jim Deuder, International Mr. Leather Bootblack 2011. I’ve known Jim casually for many years, he was friends with Master Blair when she used to live in the NY area. I knew her as Mistress Blair back then, and she gave me one of the hardest scenes I’ve taken to this day. Here is a pic from that day.

I think I feel a bit shy around “Leather People.” I never know if I fit in, if I am accepted as one of them — which may sound crazy, since I do plenty of fetish activities and I have a Dom. Yet, I’m not in any ritualized family structure and my public group activity is fun, party play. My “Leather Family” members are my Long Island friends and my spanking friends. Jim is queer, and I don’t always know if I’ll be accepted by those of that orientation.

But, Jim was nice–he always is. I don’t know the significance of Mr. International Bootblack, but he likes to polish boots and it’s got meaning to those whose boots are symbolic of their lifestyle. I’ve had my boots blacked–we did it at TES Fest–it feels good and you get shiny, new-looking boots as a result. At many fetish events, a boot-blacking station is set up to raise money for charity.

Beyond those connections, there were other people from NY that I got to talk to a little more, like Lolita Wolf, a BDSM educator who gives classes and works at Purple Passion.

Some of the FetFest connections remain anonymous. I did find a FetLife profile for the hot young thing I got to strap on Monday morning, but I’m hovering in the background for now. I am old enough to be her mom!

Overall I did have fun, even if the connections were brief. I can’t say anyone I met will go on to be my “next best BDSM friend” but that’s fine. I feel a part of this community and that’s good enough.