Cassandra Park

When Wes, the coordinator of the TES spanking special interest group, asked me to do a talk in front of the group on Feb. 1, he also left it up to me to pick the topic. After some hemming and hawing, I came up with “pain processing, pain acceptance.” (Here’s the link to the FetLife event page: https://fetlife.com/events/87499/v2.)

It’s a topic that’s close to my own heart. Believe me, as much as I love a hard scene, as much as I like being taken down a notch, I struggle greatly with the process. It is never easy. I am afraid. I may be shaking, breaking out in a sweat, yelling, sobbing, sometimes screaming. I can’t imagine what I was thinking. I just want it to end. I am often relieved when it ends.

But then I come back for more.

There is something about pain that I need. It relieves stress and anxiety, it brings about a positive outlook, it gets me high … It sometimes makes me come. Putting myself into a situation where I “have no choice” is a joyful abdication of the responsibilities of life, the countless ways throughout my normal day where I have to be grownup and do my job and make 1,000 different decisions.

Submitting to the pain of a good spanking eventually brings me to that blissful place where I feel strong and alive.

But first I have to get through the ordeal. And it’s not easy, but I have developed a few techniques along my journey. I’m going to talk about that tomorrow (Weds, Feb. 1) at the meeting, I’ll share what some others have said about pain, and I’ll take feedback from the audience.

I hope to see many kindred spirits, the others out there — bottoms, subs, masochists, pain sluts or however you choose to label yourself. How do YOU process pain? And why do YOU do it?

I posted some pics on FetLife from the session I did on Sunday with my former Dom, Richard (Spike_NY on FetLife). And I wanted to share them here, as well. It is now Tuesday morning and I’m still processing the scene, and still buzzing a little bit from it.

Spike and I played very briefly at a party last weekend, but we hadn’t played privately since December, since we decided to call our D/s relationship quits. I know I haven’t talked that much about that, either, because I wasn’t ready to say much in public. Truth is, things are going well. We are still talking a lot, but no one’s pressuring anyone else. I think we are really morphing into a good friendship. My feelings of jealousy about his other play partner/sub are dissipating as well. I don’t have to share in public now, and it makes it so much easier. It wasn’t even sharing play that had bothered me, it was a feeling that my submission wasn’t special. Truth is, his other girl likes some kinds of play that I don’t enjoy, and vice versa.

I like pain, I like being pushed into taking pain. The clothespins on my inner thighs and labia hurt, but after the initial pinch they melded into a mild throbbing. It’s hard to tell from this pic, but he’d put me into a straight jacket and had put a leather hood over my head, which buckled securely on. He blindfolded me and then shoved a leather gag into my mouth.

I think my scream were pretty audible, even through the gag, when he began to whip my inner thighs and pussy. He was using this thing called a dragon’s tongue, which feels very much like a single tail (I had thought it was a single tail, until he told me later). The pain is very harsh, very much like the single tail whip. Maybe technically it’s wrong to call a dragon’s tail a “whip,” but I was, in effect, being whipped, on a very, very sensitive part of my anatomy.

I was already sore. Prior to this segment of our play date, he’d used a hairbrush and a bathbrush on my ass. Yes, yes, I’m “into” domestic discipline, I’m “into” spanking. As anyone who’s into spanking knows, the hairbrush alone can be one of the nastiest toys around. I personally find it harder to take than a caning. My brush was hard, polished wood, with a slightly convex surface, so that the point of impact is very very small and concentrated. When he switched to the bath brush the impact increased. That implement is thicker and has a longer handle to allow much harder strokes. Spike used it on me while I was making his bed (he likes me to do a few chores when I visit) and it felt brutal.

He laughed and says, “Don’t be a baby!” This is a phrase he’s used a lot in our play, so I actually made him a t-shirt with that saying on it — and he was wearing it on Sunday, to my amusement. My amusement had left the building, however, during the bath brushing. I know he doesn’t really think that I’m a baby. I can actually take quite a bit. I just don’t often take it quietly. I can’t say there’s ever been an occasion that I’ve taken a bath brushing quietly. I will yelp and twitch and eventually cry or scream if pushed hard and long enough. His was a tease, he pushed me just enough to have me jumping and crying out, but then let me focus on finishing up the bed.

The straightjacket, the clothespins, the dragon tail were what he’d planned as the main course. … um, oh, yeah, there was this little bit of knife play first.
This was a sharp knife. He poked me with it a few times, inspiring some vocalizing on my part. I was already bound in position on the bed but had some mobility. I froze when I felt his fingers inside me, guiding it into my pussy. He told me later he only pushed it as far as his fingers could reach. Then he says, “Don’t move.” I was breathing softly. Moving was the last thing I wanted to do. He took a few pictures. (I appreciate that; it’s nice to have memories of intense scenes). I remember at the time thinking in my head, “I wish he would use the knife after he takes it out. I wish he would carve his initials, or maybe “Sir,” onto my stomach or thigh. I think a lot of things when I’m that floating subby place.

I’ll continue this shortly with more details about the whipping and what followed…

I have a friend, R., with whom I play at Crimson Moon parties (mostly — we occasionally cross paths at other parties as well. He’s fun to play with because he’s a huge masochist and can really take it. After the last party at the end of October, he sent me a nice write-up of our scene. I had his permission to share, so here goes:

To Ms Cassandra,

Our house guests have departed. The party was a great event. And now I want to tell you about my experience while submitting to you.

My excitement started to peak when we made the appointment. We both departed the (main area of the) party to get ready. I got the toys laid out, showered and shaved.

Cleanliness is number one. Then I selected underware which I hoped pleased you. And at 8:45 you knocked. My heart raced. We greeted. And I then went into my submission. Down onto the floor. You were in control. Your warmup was perfect, and because of that, I was able to take whatever you wanted to administer. Also you have a great dialog. You are in control.

After a while I was face up. You clamped my nipples, and had the weights add to the pain & pull. Pain & pleasure mixed rapidly. You whipped my nipples, pulled the chain, gave strokes to my cock & balls, legs, then you pulled and twisted my nipples, ooh, that’s so hot, more pain, which melts into pleasure. You slapped my face, a few times, and I could see the look in your eyes. You were in control.

Back on to my belly, you began to ready me for the cane. And after a while, you decided to continue, harder, more onto the legs. You had me in sub space. I was floating. I could think of nothing more to say but “Thank you, Ma’am.” You also used a mix of toys–strap, whip–on my back, butt, legs, and feet, taking my feet to a new feel of pain. WOW! I said inside. Then you installed the slider clamps, TIGHT. More nipple play.

Finally having me get up and against the wall, you played with my nipple chain, talking, your face full of expression, and suddenly … YANK, off came the clamps, which caused my knees to falter. WOW, what a rush of pain and pleasure.

It was followed by you twisting & pulling on my now sore nipples. Sore, but happy sore. Along the way you also did a punch massage; this was new to me. It was thuddy and exciting at the same time.

Next, you had me get on the bed face up. You were going to cane my legs on top. WOW, I’ve never had this. Oh, this hurt, but you said, “Good boy. Ready for the second?” I was breathing heavily. It hurt, too. Then you said I was to take three more. I said, “Yes, ma’am.”
And you delivered them. OOH, they hurt, but they were for you. You were pleased. I was happy.

We then hugged. I was spent but thrilled. But again you jumped on my back. I liked the feeling of your weight while sitting on my back. At first I was at a loss for words, but I did say a great big thank you.

Thats how I felt; it was wonderful. And I am open for more play and other things you might want to try.

submissively,

r.

Thanks, R., for a hot piece of writing. I’m happy to give you the kind of painful pleasure you crave.

He said he wanted the bath brush. I couldn’t believe it! I had just caned, strapped and paddled him for close to 40 minutes — hard. He had some marks, the beginnings of minor bruises, but I didn’t see any broken skin.

“All right, young man,” I said. “Hand it to me.” I thought it would be just a couple of smacks and he’d be done. He was across my knee again at this point. I swung the brush down and smacked his bottom. He made a noise but not a very loud one. I smacked him again. He was doing fine, so I kept going.

As a switch, every toy that I use on a sub, with the exception of something unusual that a bottom might bring to a session, I have felt myself. I know how things feel and what a bottom is (basically) going through. I can’t say I know how CBT feels, of course, but that’s the exception. So I know that the bath brush, while a “standard” of domestic discipline, can be brutal.

Then again, everyone’s tolerance is different. I’ve experienced strappings where the level was just perfect and I could have kept going and going and going, while someone else might have called red.

Maybe that’s where my sub was at. He was making noise, but he wasn’t struggling. And so I paddled him for quite a while. Eventually, we did have to stop, much as he might have wanted me to spank him all night. I picked a random number in my head — I think it was 30 or 40 — and delivered that number of strokes to finish off the bath brushing. He took it well, and then I wrapped our play up with a hand spanking.

Afterwards I made him sit on my lap for a few minutes before he got dressed. He was a young thing, very cute, and a pleasure to play with. I am always impressed when a guy can take something that would have me yelling and struggling.