Cassandra Park

This morning I am heading back to the “real world,” my job, temp though it is, it does pay the bills. I am armed with cough drops, cough syrup, generic Musinex, Tylenol, my next dose of antibiotic and my water bottle, as I must get plenty of fluids.

I know it’s ridiculous to write so much about being sick, but this has practically destroyed any desire for BDSM or spanking play the last couple of days, so it’s hard to focus on a kinky topic.

I will say that I know I’ll have a resurgence. Maybe this’ll happen by the weekend. Rad & I were talking about a trip to Maryland to visit spanko friends and attend a party on Saturday night. I think I may pass on traveling this weekend, however. I want to be fully recovered. Locally, it will be OTK night at Paddles so maybe we’ll make an appearance there. But i was also invited to a birthday party. Choices…

After that, who knows? I haven’t gone to a scene party (non-spanking) without my Dom yet, and I may have to test the waters soon. I missed being in sub mode on New Year’s Eve, although, in a funny way, I’ve been in subby/little girl mode the last five days or so as my “Daddy” (Rad) has taken care of me and made sure I was taking my medicine.

I need more than that, of course. But all in good time. No need to rush.

I began the New Year battling a sudden stomach virus, added to my already existing head cold, sore throat and cough from which I am still recovering. I was miserable all of Sunday and spent most of it sleeping; was better today, as far as the virus, but my head cold and cough were still there. My regular doctor wasn’t open … I sat for an hour in the neighborhood walk-in clinic, listening to an extremely cranky receptionist while continuing to proofread the novel I’m working on (my head was hurting, but I still have a deadline to meet on Friday).

After a nurse took my temperature and blood pressure, the doc saw me for all of about 1.5 minutes, during which he looked at my throat, wrote a prescription for a Z-pac (antibiotics) and wished me a happy new year on his way out. Well, that’s what I really needed, anyway–the antibiotics–I wasn’t expecting bedside manners, and he was pleasant enough despite being rushed.

Funny thing was, I’d been wondering if I could start a diet New Year’s Day … you know, wondering whether I’d have the will power. The stomach virus sort of answered THAT question. I could barely eat anything. Had some oatmeal, an apple, and later some chicken and plain rice. Today was more of the same–very bland meals, small quantities. I also didn’t think caffeine would be good for me so I’ve been off it for two days. I think I will continue this; I’ve been wanting to kick it for a while now.

I try to start resolutions BEFORE the New Year, usually, so I would have been back at the gym a week ago, had I not been sick. I think I can manage at least the treadmill a few days this week, or whatever cardio machine is available–it’ll probably be crowded right after New Year’s.

New Year’s Eve was not the greatest. At the party I went to, I played with my husband Rad and I had a good time with him. He spanked me and did some other play with me. At that point I was still well enough to handle play. I didn’t feel up to topping anyone, and I didn’t feel very connected to the other party goers. I didn’t know enough people and, although I introduced myself to a number of folks, conversations weren’t flowing easily for me. I’m sure it was me and my energy level. A few people I knew showed up, eventually, but even then I know I wasn’t being very talkative. The party actually ran till 6 a.m. and they were going to serve breakfast, but my husband and I left shortly after 1.

I titled this blog “no resolutions” because I don’t really want to announce “I’m going to try to change this, this and this.” I always want to lose a little weight, New Year’s or not, so that’s a given. But one thing I really, really, really want to focus on this year is not feeling guilty. Not feeling guilty that I gained a few pounds, not feeling guilty that I haven’t written fiction in a while, not feeling guilty that right now I’m writing a blog when I should be … reading … practicing guitar … responding to an email … etc. etc. etc. There are other things I want to work on, yes, but I’m going to try my darnedest not to feel guilty if I fall short.

Oh, of course, if there’s a REAL reason for feeling guilty, I’ll claim it. But most of the time, there isn’t. So, that’s my plan for today. Less guilt in 2012.

My current mood this week: sick … well, it ought to be a mood, in my opinion. It seems to create all kinds of other feelings: depression, apathy, disgust, crankiness.

I’m going to the Iron Bell Academy’s New Year’s Eve party tomorrow night, and have at least one scene set up, plus another tentative one. I’d like to play with my husband, too, since he’s my date!

Instead I’m wondering if I’ll be a stick in the mud all evening, sipping hot tea with lemon. It’s not that I’m so sick I should stay home (at least I don’t think so) but I’m stuffed up with a bit of a cough, plus, right now, a headache.

So, we’ll see. The scene I lined up was with a friend I’ve wanted to play with for months, but our schedules never made it possible. I’ve known him for about a year, and all I’ve ever done with him was a quickie caning. He can be a scary player — he gives me that nervous excitement I love. But now I wonder how successful a scene with him will be on Saturday, in my current state.

I’ve struggled lately with the idea of a harder scene. There has always been only a handful of people I’ve trusted to do this with, but recently, even though a couple of these tops are nearby and I could schedule a play date pretty easily, I don’t. I’m not sure how much I want that anymore. I think I still want it, because of the incredible place it can take me, but I don’t want to do it with just any sadist. I want to do it with a sadist who knows me and knows how far to push me, who understands what makes me melt.

Greedy little me is thinking if I don’t get to play with my friend on NYE, when will we play? I think my decision on whether to play with someone is based partly on whether I trust him, partly on whether he turns me on, and partly on whether I think he likes me.

The desire is there, but it’s been tucked away into a back pocket. Hopefully it’ll be there tomorrow — and I’ll feel better about playing. If not … well, I’ll have some nice food, socialize with friends and ring in the New Year quietly.

I have a friend, R., with whom I play at Crimson Moon parties (mostly — we occasionally cross paths at other parties as well. He’s fun to play with because he’s a huge masochist and can really take it. After the last party at the end of October, he sent me a nice write-up of our scene. I had his permission to share, so here goes:

To Ms Cassandra,

Our house guests have departed. The party was a great event. And now I want to tell you about my experience while submitting to you.

My excitement started to peak when we made the appointment. We both departed the (main area of the) party to get ready. I got the toys laid out, showered and shaved.

Cleanliness is number one. Then I selected underware which I hoped pleased you. And at 8:45 you knocked. My heart raced. We greeted. And I then went into my submission. Down onto the floor. You were in control. Your warmup was perfect, and because of that, I was able to take whatever you wanted to administer. Also you have a great dialog. You are in control.

After a while I was face up. You clamped my nipples, and had the weights add to the pain & pull. Pain & pleasure mixed rapidly. You whipped my nipples, pulled the chain, gave strokes to my cock & balls, legs, then you pulled and twisted my nipples, ooh, that’s so hot, more pain, which melts into pleasure. You slapped my face, a few times, and I could see the look in your eyes. You were in control.

Back on to my belly, you began to ready me for the cane. And after a while, you decided to continue, harder, more onto the legs. You had me in sub space. I was floating. I could think of nothing more to say but “Thank you, Ma’am.” You also used a mix of toys–strap, whip–on my back, butt, legs, and feet, taking my feet to a new feel of pain. WOW! I said inside. Then you installed the slider clamps, TIGHT. More nipple play.

Finally having me get up and against the wall, you played with my nipple chain, talking, your face full of expression, and suddenly … YANK, off came the clamps, which caused my knees to falter. WOW, what a rush of pain and pleasure.

It was followed by you twisting & pulling on my now sore nipples. Sore, but happy sore. Along the way you also did a punch massage; this was new to me. It was thuddy and exciting at the same time.

Next, you had me get on the bed face up. You were going to cane my legs on top. WOW, I’ve never had this. Oh, this hurt, but you said, “Good boy. Ready for the second?” I was breathing heavily. It hurt, too. Then you said I was to take three more. I said, “Yes, ma’am.”
And you delivered them. OOH, they hurt, but they were for you. You were pleased. I was happy.

We then hugged. I was spent but thrilled. But again you jumped on my back. I liked the feeling of your weight while sitting on my back. At first I was at a loss for words, but I did say a great big thank you.

Thats how I felt; it was wonderful. And I am open for more play and other things you might want to try.

submissively,

r.

Thanks, R., for a hot piece of writing. I’m happy to give you the kind of painful pleasure you crave.

 I think I left the impression, when I wrote about FetFest a few days ago, that I didn’t connect with others much. I wanted to revise that a bit. There were more connections happening than I’d suggested, but most of them were of the “getting to know people a little better” nature.

I got to top SubMale9992003 (Bruce), whom I’ve known for years but never played with. I used his floggers, canes and other toys, which simplified things for me. I know his canes are the ones sold and used by Mistress Nona (Mistress Mine on FetLife, proprietor of the Iron Bell Academy). They’re good quality canes, and Bruce can take a pretty good thrashing, so we had fun. He’s expressed to me on several occasions that he can take it hard if the top builds up as she plays. So I tried to do that with him. I started light and sensual, then spanked him, then flogged him–going from soft to hard floggers–and finally I caned him.

He had cane lines on his butt already, so I assumed he’d played earlier in the weekend. But Bruce said they were lingering marks from a session with Mistress Nona a week or so prior. I was his first top of the weekend, and I felt good that we got to play. I really liked watching the series of parallel lines forming on his butt as I went along, and the low sounds he was making in response to the cane.

Bruce is smart and a really nice guy–an ex-Marine. My Dom and I shared most of our meals with him during FetFest. We see him often at Paddles and at parties in Long Island.

Over the weekend, I also had occasion to talk with and attend classes run by Jim Deuder, International Mr. Leather Bootblack 2011. I’ve known Jim casually for many years, he was friends with Master Blair when she used to live in the NY area. I knew her as Mistress Blair back then, and she gave me one of the hardest scenes I’ve taken to this day. Here is a pic from that day.

I think I feel a bit shy around “Leather People.” I never know if I fit in, if I am accepted as one of them — which may sound crazy, since I do plenty of fetish activities and I have a Dom. Yet, I’m not in any ritualized family structure and my public group activity is fun, party play. My “Leather Family” members are my Long Island friends and my spanking friends. Jim is queer, and I don’t always know if I’ll be accepted by those of that orientation.

But, Jim was nice–he always is. I don’t know the significance of Mr. International Bootblack, but he likes to polish boots and it’s got meaning to those whose boots are symbolic of their lifestyle. I’ve had my boots blacked–we did it at TES Fest–it feels good and you get shiny, new-looking boots as a result. At many fetish events, a boot-blacking station is set up to raise money for charity.

Beyond those connections, there were other people from NY that I got to talk to a little more, like Lolita Wolf, a BDSM educator who gives classes and works at Purple Passion.

Some of the FetFest connections remain anonymous. I did find a FetLife profile for the hot young thing I got to strap on Monday morning, but I’m hovering in the background for now. I am old enough to be her mom!

Overall I did have fun, even if the connections were brief. I can’t say anyone I met will go on to be my “next best BDSM friend” but that’s fine. I feel a part of this community and that’s good enough.