Cassandra Park

At Tuesday night’s Long Island Leather N Roses meeting, scene educator ChrisMarks (ChrisMarks on Fetlife) presented a class on kissing. I usually go to the LILNR meetings, so it wouldn’t have mattered what the topic was. But initially it seemed a strange class to me–what’s kissing got to do with BDSM?

But I did actually learn a few things about different ways to kiss, and different reasons for and methods of kissing. Chris talked about using kissing as a power play, using it to show deference (kneeling and kissing a Domme’s hand), or using it to symbolize that you feel protective toward someone (the “fatherly” kiss on the forehead).

He offered a well-researched background on why humans (and some animals) kiss and how different cultures kiss. The Eskimo “rubbing noses” is actually part of an 11-part ritual that includes pressing a nose into the partner’s cheek, making a smacking sound without actually kissing, and inhaling. Being close enough to smell the other person is a big part of why people kiss–another person’s scent may send subconscious signals about whether he or she might make a good mate.

Natives from the Trobriand Islands in the South Pacific, Chris said, groom each other, bite each other’s lower  lips, pull their partner’s hair (sounds pretty hot to me!) and then chew the partner’s eyelashes off. Uh, what? …apparently if you have short eyelashes there it means you’re popular, Chris reported.

Humans are not the only animals that kiss. Bonobos, the primates considered closest relatives to humans, actually use tongues when they kiss–the only primate known to do this. (They also have sex face-to-face, perform oral sex on each other, solve disputes–including between males–by having sex, have orgies before a feast, and are generally non-monogamous.)

All that stuff I found fascinating. But overall the class gave me some good ideas about things I could try on my partner, and it all felt very romantic.

One dom in the audience debated briefly that kissing had nothing to do with dominance.

Chris’s girlfriend and submissive, Lia_Leto, was at the demo, and he talked about their first date. He explained how, just before he’d said goodbye, he’d taken her hand, looked her in the eyes and kissed her on the back of the hand. Just the hand, nothing else … and then left.

Lia got up and told the audience that she had practically melted with desire …but he was gone, leaving her hanging until the next date. She was already under his control…

The man in the audience said he now understood what Chris meant by kissing as a power exchange.

Check out Chris’s FetLife page to see what other classes he’ll be teaching, or email him for info: ChrisMarks@BlacknBlueTrading.com. His next scheduled one is “Sensual Massage: From Relaxation to Titillation” at the Iron Bell Academy on April 19. 

Thanks to all the terrific authors — many of them friends — who contributed to my anthology, “My First Spanking.”

This collection of spanking stories from Ravenous Romance, features Erica Scott, Serenity Everton, Courtney, Dolly Wylde, Naomi Bellina, T.R. Verten, Angel Propps, Clarice Clique, J. Caladine, Jacqueline Brocker, Jeanette Grey, Maxine Marsh and me, Cassandra Park. (*note: this will be fully updated shortly; still gathering the last few links).

It was a labor of love, and I hope all my spanking friends will find something they enjoy here. Please spread the word.

I’ll be doing more books in the future … stay tuned.

My friend Geeeeee posted this article about the proper way to give a spanking on FetLife a few days ago (his own opinion, of course–your mileage may vary). I liked it, and asked if I could use it as a guest blog here; he was happy to oblige me. Enjoy:

There are as many perspectives on what constitutes a “proper spanking” as there are people who engage in the activity. We each have our individual tastes, styles, and methods. I can only tell you what mine are like.

To me, a proper spanking has six stages, each of which are critical to the success of the entire event. They are:

*Anticipation
*Resistance
*The Moment of Surrender
*The Warm Up
*The Actual Spanking
*The Conclusion

Anticipation

Most spankings are enhanced when there’s a period of anticipation, be it a few minute or a full day or more. The anticipation sets the stage for a good spanking.

During anticipation, the spankee has time to contemplate what’s going to happen, to wonder how she will take it, to think about how it will feel, to be curious and anxious about the methods, duration, position, and severity of the upcoming spanking.

Anticipation can occur when we are together, or when we are apart. You might know, for instance, that you are going to be spanked on an upcoming Friday, and spend the intervening time playing out the scene over and over in your mind.

Resistance

To me, most proper spankings include a period of active resistance by the spankee, who may plead, bargain, avoid, taunt, verbally joust, or otherwise attempt to delay the inevitable. As a spanker, I enjoy overcoming and managing resistance and feel the time is well spent – it fuels my fire, so to speak. A resistant spankee is much more compelling than someone who simply accepts her fate and meekly complies.

The Moment of Surrender

There comes a moment when all hope of evading punishment is lost, when it is clear that you will have to submit, that the time for talking, bargaining, pleading innocence, making empty promises, and offering insincere apologies is over. This is a sweet moment – altogether fleeting and brief, but critical. It is the final moment before the spanking begins.

The Warm Up

Skipped or ignored by many spankers, this is the time to properly prepare your bottom for what is to follow. It begins with a series of light-to-medium hand spanks, delivered over the skirts or pants, followed by a raising of the skirt or lowering of the pants to reveal your panties for the first time. There will be slightly pink skin exposed for the first time. The warm up stings, yes, but it is quite bearable.

The Actual Spanking

Volumes have been written about this phase. There are choices to be made about positions, implemenets, severity, duration, and even what behavior is acceptable on the part of the spankee (can you rub your tush? kick your feet? etc.).

I prefer you over my knee most of all, or perhaps bent over a sofa or ottoman, or lying on your tummy on a bed or sofa.

I prefer using my hand most of all. Implements I like are the paddle, the strap, the hairbrush, and the belt. Of course not all spankings involve all implements! Decisions about which to use are made in the moment, depending on the offense and how the spanking is going.

What about severity and duration? How hard do I spank, and for how long?

I am a caring but firm partner who works hard to determine what is needed. I do not abuse my spankee, but I do try to take them to their self-perceived limit — and perhaps just a little beyond.

I have given hard spankings which lasted throughout an evening, with occasional breaks for reprise or refreshment. These may not be typical, but they do happen. Some spankers are sprinters, some are marathoners. I guess I’m more of the latter.

That said, when it is over, it’s over. I don’t spank past that point. How do I know when it’s time to quit? Experience. I just do.

By the way, you should have a “safe word” that means STOP NOW! I have never refused a request for a safe word, and I have never had one used. I do know what I’m doing!

In terms of your behavior during a spanking, let me say this: I like an active spankee and I deal with what comes up, like kicking, squirming, reaching back, sassing, whining, complaining, and so on. I like to see response to the spanks. You should know that whining and complaining only increases the punishment, so feel free!

If you clench your tush in anticipation of the next smack you will soon learn that I can wait until you relax. If you try to anticipate the rhythm or location of the next spank, I will be unpredictable in both speed, target and frequency.

The Conclusion

When a spanking is over, it’s over. There may (or may not) be some corner time to let the lesson sink in. There might be a “cool down” hand spanking that gets lighter and lighter as time progresses. There will also be a period of intimate connection; you’ll be held, comforted, soothed. I spank from a place of love and respect and connection, not from a place of anger.

We might cuddle, we might sit quietly and hold hands, we may even make love. If this is a disciplinary spanking, when it’s over, it’s over. You’ve been punished and we now move on. I don’t hold on to whatever you did that earned you a trip over my knee. You did it, you were spanked for it, and it’s now in the past.

To summarize

A proper spanking should make a lasting impression on you. You must know that you’ve been thoroughly and completely spanked. Your bottom will be red, and it will sting for a while. You must feel as though you’ve completely surrendered yourself to me and had no control over the process (while, at the same time, having complete trust that I am competent, honorable, and assertive). You will probably feel as though you can never take another spanking like this one, and yet, a while later, wonder what you have to do to get another one just like it.

The last several weeks seem to have flown by. The scene I described yesterday, in which Spike_NY caned me while reading Shakespeare, took place on Presidents Day, Feb. 20. As a mentioned I still have the marks, but I also have this one whip mark lingering on from a scene I did earlier–i think it was Feb. 10 or 11.

I love marks. That’s another one of those things about this thing that we do that I can’t explain. I love seeing them, always in private places that the outside world never sees, & recalling how they happened to get there. Always, or nearly always, it was something that left me yelling, sobbing or even begging.

I don’t like safe words. I want my top to control the scene, so I may plead with him when things start to get rough but I usually won’t tell him to end the scene. (funny how “telling him to end the scene” has a different connotation than “using a safeword”–the former seems more controlling, even though it’s essentially the same request: “i need to stop!”)

I don’t like safewords, but that doesn’t mean that I’m some uber-masochist who can take anything. Far from it–i can actually be quite a wimp on some days.

At the Wicked New York party that Rad & I attended two weeks ago, I witnessed a dom friend of mine whip his girlfriend/sub. I had been considering playing with this Dom, but after watching his work, I didn’t know if I had it in me. It was one of the most severe whippings I’d ever witnessed. He drew blood. I loved watching it, don’t get me wrong–it was exciting, & I always love seeing how others process pain. His sub seemed to have reached some state of bliss, which was fascinating. She cried out here & there, but she didn’t struggle or beg him to stop. …I’d have been screaming my lungs out. I KNOW, because I’ve taken whippings that were probably not a third as hard as that, & I was fighting.

The Dom in question assured me later that he does not always play so hard. & he seems like a very nice sadist (the only kind one should play with!) But it definitely gave me pause, and we have not moved forward into setting up an actual play date.

But that’s fine. I may have my crazy scenes, but I do have a fair understanding of my limits & what I can take. I could not have taken what his sub took.

So to return to the subject of marks, the marks she bore were, in my kind,  badges of honor. I loved the marks, would have loved wearing them myself. But this was one case where I wasn’t willing to walk through that particular fire to get them.

The last few weeks have been so crazy that I never even got to write about the hot scene I did a few weeks ago with Spike_NY. I had posted on FetLife, just for the heck of it, that I wanted someone to spank me while reciting Shakespeare (I get ideas in my head and sometimes I just put them out there. I mean, I’d also love someone to recite poetry to me–something good like Bukowski or Ginsberg; I’d like someone to speak to me only in Italian. What the heck, a comedy routine would be amusing–then again, I sometimes get that when I play with Rad. I don’t think people understand what’s going on when he’s spanking the bejeezus out of me but I’m howling with laughter. We have our own little role plays…)

But in response to my Shakespeare request, Ian of The London Tanners responds on Fet, “Can do–will do it in Spain–Clarence’s speech from Richard III.” I am embarrassed to say I have not read Richard III and I’ve never seen a full production of it.

My introduction to Richard III was Richard Dreyfuss’s over-the-top portrayal in “The Goodbye Girl,” a movie which is over 30 years old, as sappy and tear-inducing as Neil Simon plays/movies tend to be, but I loved it and I loved Richard Dreyfuss in it.

So — what’s “Clarence’s Speech”? Here’s one celebrity impersonator’s interpretation of it. Ian used to be an actor, so this is something he’d probably memorized. It starts “O, I have passed a miserable night, so full of fearful dreams, of ugly sights…” Yes, kind of dark.

I hope Ian has some other Shakespeare memorized for when we get to Spain this fall, because Spike decided that would be a good scene to read while he caned me. Fuck! As always, these things sound good in concept. Spike had me lie on the bed, and he tied my wrists to the foot board. He had all his canes out. He has a lot of canes: Some normal. Some nasty. Some really nasty.

He read the first line and “whoosh!” delivered the first stroke, hard. Yow! He continued reading, one line at a time. “Methoughts that I had broken from the Tower” Thwack! “And was embarked to cross the Bergundy.” Whuuuup!

I’d seen the printed piece before he started. It was long. We were going to be here a while. And, while he’d delivered one stroke per line for the first several lines, suddenly he gave me three fast strokes with the next line. I squealed.

He switched canes every few strokes. He wanted to keep it exciting. I was beginning to get scared. It was a nice experiment but I wasn’t sure I could make it through. Several of the strokes had me howling in pain. He finally said, “I’m not sure I can keep this up. It’s getting hard to read while paying attention to the strokes.”

It’s hard to explain this. I don’t even understand it myself, because while it was happening, I wanted it to stop. I didn’t want any more. It f***ing hurt! But I also didn’t want to quit or utter a safe word. Far be it from me to wimp out half-way through a scene.

Ever the good little masochist, I said, “Would you like me to take over the reading, Sir?”

He agreed, and so I held the paper in my hands (the ones that were still tied to the bed) and continued the piece. “Methoughts I saw a thousand fearful wracks … Yowww! … “…a thousand men that fishes gnawed upon … Eeeee!

After a few minutes Spike untied my hands. The passage wasn’t finished. There was still about a fourth of it to go. He told me to turn over. … Oh, shit. He was going to cane the fronts of my thighs. And so, I continued to read in a shaky voice as the fresh strokes landed. I held the paper close to my face, trying not to break down as the strokes seared into an even more painful area of my body than my butt and the backs of my thighs.

I focused on the words and pushed them out, speaking as clearly as I could under the circumstances. “… a legion of foul fiends environed me, and howled in mine ears such hideous cries …” I screamed at the next stroke. But then I caught my breath and kept reading.

When it was over, I relaxed and let him hold me. I was hurting a lot, and felt physically drained, but in a good way. This is the kind of fun scene I can appreciate. It’s not “serious,” but yet it’s a real caning and you can’t help but take it seriously. I still have marks from this scene–two weeks later–to give an idea of how hard he went. It’s not something I’d want anytime again soon. But I loved it for its uniqueness.